An employee's life in customer service and other random stories.

Orgasmic

If there is one question that all people in the customer service industry hate, it is this: What do you think of [insert product here].

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWKWARD SITUATIONS FOR YOU, THE CUSTOMER, TO PUT US IN! We, as your designated Sacajawea of whatever store you are in, have two options for our response. We can either tell you what we really think, or we can tell you what the company thinks. Either way, somebody will get frustrated. The company wants us to tell you that everything is delicious and tastes like sunshine straight from the ass of God, himself. I, however, think that it tastes more like the poop my dog just ate and threw back up. The company wants us to tell you that everything is vegan made in the grand ol’ USofA. I want to tell you that I have to rip off the ‘Made in China’ stickers before I put it on display. The company wants us to tell you that you are always right. I want to tell you that you are one of the dumbest shits I have ever met.

Another reason this is so goshdarn frustrating is because you are asking me for my opinion. My opinion is mostly likely very different from your own. You want to know why? BECAUSE WE ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT IS MY OPINION! I know, go figure, right? I dislike so many things, and 9 times out of 10, I will hate the one thing you are thinking about purchasing. As a result, most of the time you end up with a generic, “Oh, it is great.” This does not help you with your decision-making process any more than antibiotics help a MRSA patient. So why ask the question? And when I do decide to give you my honest opinion, you will end up doing the complete opposite. I will tell you that it is great, so you will choose something else. I will tell you that it sucks, and you will get it anyway. Why should I waste my time and effort?

 But I digress…

As a result of always being asked this idiotic question, I have come up with the perfect response. It gets the point across, but also offers me a few moments of amusement while I wait for you to comprehend what I just said. Whenever someone asks me what I think about a product, I do the following:

  1. Look them straight in the eyes.
  2. Retain a completely emotionless face.
  3. Say, “It is orgasmic.”
  4. Wait for their reaction.