An employee's life in customer service and other random stories.

Expired Food

  • [Prologue: We had a food drive at my place of employment. You bring in three canned/non-perishable items, you get a free dish.]
  • Customer: Here. [Shoves a bag of cans in my face.] Give me my free food.
  • Me: Okay. Let me just check the expiration dates on here while you choose a dish.
  • [I check all of the items and see that they all expired 2 years ago.]
  • Me: Oh, ma'am, I can't accept these because they are expired.
  • Customer: Fine. Don't take them. I want that dish right there.
  • Me: Alrighty. That will be $5.93.
  • Customer: No. I brought in food. It is free.
  • Me: Yes, you brought in expired food that I was not able to accept. As a result, you still have to pay for your food.
  • Customer: The sign said that if I brought in food, I could get free food.
  • Me: Yes, ma'am. If you bring in three non expired, edible food items, then we will give you free food. You did not do this.
  • Customer: It doesn't say that on the sign!
  • Me: You are correct. It does not. However, we are collecting this food for the less fortunate so that they can have food to eat. Non expired food. So you can either pay for this food that we will make for you, or you can go ahead and eat the food that you already have.
  • Customer: I can't eat that! It is expired!
  • Me: Exactly.

Food Photography

  • Customer: Excuse me. Are you a manager?
  • Me: Yes, I am. What can I do for you?
  • Customer: I am not happy with my food.
  • [Customer hands me the bag of food. I look at it and the receipt and see nothing out of order.]
  • Me: I am sorry to hear that. What was wrong with it?
  • Customer: It looks nothing like the picture.
  • Me: Huh? I am sorry... did you get the wrong food?
  • Customer: No. It is the correct dish, but the one on the menu board is prettier.
  • Me: Okay.... Well, the pictures on the menu board are made by professional food photographers who get paid thousands of dollars to make the food look as beautiful as possible. 99% of the time, the 'food' that they are photographing is not made of real edible food. We aim to make our food look as appetizing as possible, but it will never look exactly like the picture on the menu board. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Nurse Line

  • Employee: I had to call the nurse line. I chopped off the top of my finger.
  • Me: How in the hell did you do that?
  • Employee: I was grabbing something out of a box and there was a knife on top.
  • Me: I repeat... how in the hell did you do that?

Flatbread

  • Customer: What does your flatbread taste like?
  • Me: Bread....
  • Customer: Yeah, but what kind of bread?
I think I basically said it all…

I think I basically said it all…

I don’t speak English well. You should come stand closer to me.

—Random foreign exchange student 

Drunk Bitch

  • Me: That is my coat.
  • Bitch: I thought it was my coat.
  • Me: Well, you are drunk. It's not. Can I have it back?
  • Bitch: I am not drunk.
  • Me: Really? Okay. What does your coat look like?
  • Bitch: Mine is a white pea coat.
  • Me: This is a white NorthFace.

I Am a Child

  • [While driving home from school and work the other day...]
  • Me: *vroom vroom vroom* That was a car.
  • Mom: I am never going to get a son-in-law am I?
  • Me: *vroom vroom vroom screeeeech* That was a car hitting the brakes really fast and almost hitting another car.
  • Mom: Or grandchildren....
  • Me: *vroom vroom vroom screeeeeech THUNK* That was a car hitting the brakes really fast, almost hitting another car and then hitting a kid.

Working out is good for you. But I am not just talking about the health benefits that you get from being active. I am talking about the psychological benefits that you get as well. When you work out, you have to push yourself to find your limits of what you can and cannot do. As you do this, you learn that what you previously thought you cannot do, you actually can. Not only that, you learn that you can do way more than you thought possible.

—Me

What are spaghetti noodles?

—Customer