I don’t speak English well. You should come stand closer to me.
Random foreign exchange student
- Me: That is my coat.
- Bitch: I thought it was my coat.
- Me: Well, you are drunk. It's not. Can I have it back?
- Bitch: I am not drunk.
- Me: Really? Okay. What does your coat look like?
- Bitch: Mine is a white pea coat.
- Me: This is a white NorthFace.
- [While driving home from school and work the other day...]
- Me: *vroom vroom vroom* That was a car.
- Mom: I am never going to get a son-in-law am I?
- Me: *vroom vroom vroom screeeeech* That was a car hitting the brakes really fast and almost hitting another car.
- Mom: Or grandchildren....
- Me: *vroom vroom vroom screeeeeech THUNK* That was a car hitting the brakes really fast, almost hitting another car and then hitting a kid.
Working out is good for you. But I am not just talking about the health benefits that you get from being active. I am talking about the psychological benefits that you get as well. When you work out, you have to push yourself to find your limits of what you can and cannot do. As you do this, you learn that what you previously thought you cannot do, you actually can. Not only that, you learn that you can do way more than you thought possible.
- Customer: I didn't get my chicken.
- Me: Okay. Could I have a look at your receipt?
- Customer: Here.
- [Customer hands me the receipt.]
- Me: Okay, that is because you didn't order any chicken. Would you like some?
- Customer: Yes.
- Me: Okay, that will be $2.68.
- Customer: It costs me money for the chicken?
- Me: Yes.
- [Customer walks away.]
- Customer: I would like to order that one special mac n cheese with the mushrooms.
- Me: I am sorry. We stopped selling that dish last week, actually. Can I interest you in something else?
- Customer: No.
- Me: Okay...
- Customer: Why did you stop selling it?
- Me: Because corporate told me to.
- Boss: Hey. So, I don't know if [other crazy shift manager] has told you or not, but she has not been feeling too well today...
- Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. "Morning sickness." But if you ask me, it isn't my fault that her baby already hates her while in utero and is making her sick. [Walks away.]